Waiting Games

Patience is not a virtue I'm gifted with. Waiting is torture, and I solve it with busyness to pass the time. But I've gotten to the point where waiting even 2 minutes sends me to do one more quick thing- send an email, check out Facebook, send a text or make a move on a game. I call it multitasking and being productive, but often it's just promoting my sense of hurry up and do more in less.

Waiting for bigger things is even tougher. It is for most of us. We've been waiting 12+ years for an effective treatment for Michael. We've been waiting almost 5 years to find Austin. This week I had to wait 3 days for answers from medical tests, and now wait longer to hope the symptoms just resolve since the tests didn't show anything definitive. My mom was dealt a tough situation this week that requires waiting. I don't like any of these. I'd like to demand God to solve them all. Now. Please?

But that's not how He works, and I know that though I still whine about it sometimes. Those are the days that things feel like they're piling up, and the waiting is pushing my faith. I'm trying to see these times as what they really are, a time to learn through that push, to rely on faith even more. And maybe to have more to share with someone who is also waiting.

I'm making a concerted effort to use those more of those moments of downtime to talk with God. I'm praying for peace and a slower pace. And I'm still praying for answers, but with a little more peace about the wait.

Isaiah 40:31
But those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint. (NKJV)




Trying daily..... Anita

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

A bit more crazy....

You're going to think this sounds crazy, and I've started to write variations of this post many times before but always stop myself because I can't let you see all the crazy. Not all at once anyway.

I was on my favorite time wasting   idea inspiring site, Pinterest last week, and saw this look.  My first thought?  Ooh, that's my funeral outfit!  Not for any random funeral, but for Austin's.  For quite a while I've had a list of songs to consider for his service and have always joked that it would be my excuse to buy new big black sunglasses.  You know, cause no one gets to see me cry.  I make jokes to cope, and I think I routinely look at things in a realistic way, to help prepare myself for what may come, while realizing that the worst case scenario rarely happens.  And I look for ways to see the best in a bad situation.  Since I believe that we'll almost certainly find Austin one day through discovery of remains, to me a funeral is realistic.

It's also something I am jealous of... because though it would mean answers we don't want, it would mean answers.  It would mean finally being able to explain to my son where his uncle is when he asks.  It would mean having a complete story of Austin to tell my younger son one day, who never met him. 

So this outfit is an odd combo of hope that we'll have answers one day, realism that when we do it will likely be answers that hurt, and trying to make the best of things by thinking that at least I could look stylish through grief.  So yes, I'm a bit crazy.  But I do see all that in the photo.

p.s.  except the shoes, with those I just see me with another ankle or knee surgery!

Taking a Breath

January was an eye opening month for me.  I used to dread it, with the dreary days and post-holiday letdown.  That was of course before two boys kept me running like a madwoman, and I committed myself to so many things that I love but drain me.  Now I see it as a time of refresh, a little bit slower, and a time to re-prioritize and reorganize.  As I take a breath, I'm better able to hear God it seems, and better able to reassess.

So back to those eye opening moments that led to these thoughts.

1.  Just because I'm doing good things, doesn't mean I'm doing the right things, or even doing things for the right reasons.  Drop decisions through the filter of what I believe I should be doing, and things become a bit more clear.  Drop things through the filter of the attitude with which I'm doing them, and well.... you just see that I may just need to change my attitude.  Often true.

2.  God loves me and that's crazy.  This isn't exactly a new revelation, but I was blown away by it recently.  With all He is, and all He does, and all He could find fault with in me, He loves me anyway.  And when you have that type of love, you have to do crazy things for Him in return.  Trying to figure out what those crazy things are though keeping in mind #1.

3.  God is preparing me for many things- they may all be small.  Or they could be huge.  I should be ready regardless, because He is using me here and now no matter what.  And I'm not taking care of myself nearly as well as He is.  So last week I committed to daily exercise to improve my health.  And I'm loving the daily time alone with Him.  I don't love waking up early to do it while the boys are in bed, but each morning is a reminder to be thankful for so much, including that I can wake up.

It's all a work in progress, I don't think any of us will ever be anything else.  Isn't it crazy that God loves us no matter where we are in that work?

p.s.  The slower pace is already changing from when I first wrote this two days ago.  Glad I organized my thoughts to help me as the pace quickens!